It’s been a while.
I remember back when I used to write about everything that happened to me here, with no censor. I was prolific, but I definitely shared things that I shouldn’t have. Over the past few years it turned into the opposite and I know that any readers I still have from back then have noticed. There is no getting around that. But that is what happens when you grow up, or what happened as I did. Things weren’t good–many of them with roots dating back to the days when I did share–and I hid that away deep inside myself out of fear. And I became silent.
I am working to get myself back on track. I am working to find happiness in the things that once helped make me whole. This website was once an outlet that helped me process my feelings when I needed to, but also hermit away when I needed some time to re-center myself with some code. I
want need that back.
The biggest thing that has stopped me from coming back over the last four months was the indecision over how to explain it all, or whether to at all. But I need this back, so I need to just brush that aside and start… with the honesty and openness that I once had.
I got married. I blogged about it extensively, though I removed those posts back in January. I loved him. I have learned that love is not the only thing that goes into a lasting relationship, let alone marriage. There are things that you need to have within yourself and things that you need to give the relationship.
It is not my place to speak for him, so I will speak only of myself:
- I did not have high expectations and standards. I believed the BS when people told me that women cannot expect men to pay attention or care, to love or be devoted. I did not think enough of myself to say No, I deserve better.
- I stayed out of fear. I have written before about the fact that I don’t want to define myself by the deaths of my grandfather, brother, and mom. And yet, for a very long time, I was afraid of losing people. I was afraid of losing him, even though it wasn’t where I needed to be.
- I did not trust my own opinion and lost both my self confidence and self worth. I listened when actions and words told me that I was not good enough. I took it to heart when I was belittled. I let myself be brushed aside and silenced when I fought for myself. I became a miserable and hateful person, and that made me believe what I was shown.
- That lack of confidence and faith in myself led me to give up many of the things that made me happy because I didn’t feel I was good enough or worth the trouble. I gave up the things that gave me joy and gave me the needed outlet to process and work through the things that tore me down.
- I know that, if I had gone into the relationship with all of those things inside me in order, it would not have saved the relationship. I also know that those things helped ruin it all the same.
I have been making changes and will continue to make changes:
- I left at the very end of December and the divorce was finalized on April Fools Day. Yes, my dad reaffirmed the fact that it was fitting because I’m a fool. Noted. I am happier as a whole. I feel free to find joy. I am rediscovering my passions. I am rebuilding my belief in myself. I am letting go of jealousy, hate, and fear. I may be small, but I am strong and capable.
- I am working on going back to being patient and thorough and calm. I used to enjoy the process of things more than the completion (when I would then look to others for validation).
- I am moving. I have been in South Florida for almost eleven years, since my mom died. The only close friends I have made here were my ex-boyfriend and my ex-husband. It has never felt like home and it is time I find out where I belong.
- I have a boyfriend. His name is Jeremy. He has been and is helping me find the pieces of myself that I thought I lost. With him, I am learning what it really means to be a team and have a partner, to have a relationship that is positive and strong, to have someone that loves me because of who I am rather than in spite of who I am.
- I had all of the pieces inside me for happiness all along. All I needed was to trust myself and let go of the doubt and fear.