I grew up in Florida and, with the exception of a few flakes back when I was two, I never saw snow. It became something magical to me, something that I would never get to experience, something always out of reach, a reminder of my limitations. I know for some it is something common or dreaded, but it always eluded me.
I never understood when people said that something of natural beauty made them cry, but I do now. Back in March I stood at the door to my school’s outside area and watched the first big white flakes swirl down, caught up in it all. I felt free, like anything was possible again.
In my life I have learned to be wary of happy. Something always goes wrong. I’ve lost too many people that meant the world to me. I think that is why it was so hard for me to leave my ex even though nothing was good or right about that relationship anymore. But I did and after that I began taking control of my life again. Moving to Texas was scary, but I needed to take charge of my life and my happy.
I’ve written before about a creek that was in back of my Grampa’s house. When I was little, I was scared to jump across it. All of the what ifs kept me safe but stuck. In my mind, I often relate it to Lost by Coldplay. But, with encouragement, I did jump it. I did make it. And I was free, happy. Moving was a much bigger creek, but it did the same for me.
At work I have made two great friends, Christine and Rachel. They’ve kept me from my usual hermitting and have gotten me out of my comfort zones. Along with Jeremy, they have made Texas home. The three of them have shown me that I’m not defective and that I can be a part of something. I’m worthwhile. I can be loved without my walls up.
In March I married Jeremy, the man that matches and balances me. He has opened my eyes to how relationships should be even without trying. The people that say men are lazy, men don’t care, men can’t be expected to take interest in things… they’re wrong. I am so very happy with him. He is right for me. He is my home.
We decided to start trying for a baby when we got married. I was nervous after my three previous miscarriages, but I guess it is true that things happen when they are right. Today was my first appointment and I walked in wary. I’m not used to happy. My mind wanted to protect me and was bracing itself ahead of time for everything that could go wrong.
But it didn’t go wrong. Her (We still don’t know if it is a girl or boy, but boy parts have not formed yet and her is better than it) heartbeat is strong and she is measuring ahead of schedule making me 10 weeks 1 day. Her little arms and legs were moving and dancing on the monitor. To help orient you, the big dark white spot to the left of the arrow is her right foot. The arrow is pointing to the bottom of her right arm. Her hands are dancing in front of her face.
All of these people are my snow. They are what I never thought possible. They are the happy that I sometimes can’t believe is real. I am so very grateful.